Black Hole Sun
by Burningbridges
Summary: Dark comedy. Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face and Scarecrow join forces and go on an excursion into the woods to find the last of what they need to put their plan in action. just to end up trapped in a mansion belonging to a group of psychotic murderers.
1. Garden of the Dead

_This was a completely random idea I had when I was reading back through old stories I wrote, and listening to Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" (hence the title lolol – the song actually gets referenced later on), definitely one of the best songs ever made, not to mention dark as all get-out lol. This is a dark comedy, borderline slapstick at times, written in a similar style to my other comedies, but a little more serious, and no one is portrayed as a complete moron. It follows the creepy adventures of Joker/Harley Quinn/Scarecrow/Two-Face through the mansion home of psychotic people, as they get into it with each other and some entertaining things happen. I chose to do those four because they were always my favorite Batman villains, and it would just be fun to watch them interact in this environment. I was almost tempted to put Poison Ivy in here, but that would have made it waaay too easy for them to get out of the woods xDDD_

_I always wanted to write a fic based on the comic (considering the only Batman fic I've written at all is for Batman Begins, and I grew up with the comic lol), and here it is… finally. Just don't ask me at what point in the comic's timeline this is taking place, 'cause I really don't know – but in this, Dr. Crane is still afraid of bats and he's just a bit more stable than normal xD. _

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Black Hole Sun

By Burning Bridges

"And I'll hear you scream again

Black Hole Sun, won't you come

And wash away the rain?

Black Hole Sun

Won't you come, won't you come?"

Chapter One: Garden of the Dead

After having failed numerous times to accomplish much of anything on their own, Joker, Harley Quinn, Scarecrow and Two-Face had gotten together to hatch a plan that would more than likely work this time. 'More than likely' being the case as long as no one found out that they were doing it. So, to help them stay under the radar, they'd opted to do everything themselves, without the help of any outside parties… which is exactly why they were now wandering around the woods, completely lost.

"Okay, maybe we could have at least hired someone to come out here and find the damn plants for us, instead of us trying to do it and getting lost," Two-Face muttered, giving Dr. Crane a dirty look.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"You're the one who suggested we look for these stupid things."

"Oh, so it's my fault now that we're lost? It wasn't my idea to go off the trail."

"Since when do poisonous plants normally grow right next to worn-down paths? They grow in undisturbed areas, idiot!"

"I'm an idiot? You're the one who thinks plants can only grow in the middle of nowhere!"

"SHUT UP!" Harley yelled, getting sick of the arguing. "Do you even know what we're looking for?"

"Yes," Crane said matter-of-factly, "I studied the field guides very carefully. We're looking for some pretty unique plants here. One is covered in three-inch spines, one has black berries and saw-tooth edged leaves, another has large purple-white trumpet flowers that are hallucinogenic - "

"Okay, okay, I get the picture. I'm not seeing any plants, period. Let alone what you're describing."

"Maybe we should have just gone with a different plan – one that didn't involve finding elusive poison plants to make a mustard-gas-like chemical to use on the city. Granted, it would've probably gotten rid of our enemies, but in hindsight, this is kind of impractical," Joker said, for the moment, very serious.

"Oh, sure, like what Harvey came up with was any better – he can't do anything without consulting that stupid coin of his first," Crane complained, rolling his eyes.

"Go to hell, you straw-filled dumbass!" Two-Face retorted.

"Real mature; why don't you make another scarecrow joke! We'll see who's laughing when I give you a dose of my fear medicine!" Crane shouted, getting in his face.

"You're not inspiring much of any emotion here. Least of which, fear," Two-Face mocked, and Crane took a swing at him, but missed. "Ha! You fight like a girl!"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UUUUUP!" Harley almost screamed, forcing the two men apart. "If you two don't knock it off, you can just stay out here while we go back to Gotham without you!"

"Fine," they said in unison, giving each other nasty looks.

"It's hard to navigate through this place without a map," Joker said, observing the same rock they had just passed ten times in a row.

"And who's fault is it that we didn't bring one?" Crane said under his breath, just for Harley to give him the death glare.

"Don't start again."

"What happened to the trail, anyway?" Two-Face asked, looking all over.

They had found themselves in the middle of a densely overgrown area, and despite their attempts to navigate their way out of it, they'd been wandering around for an hour at least; lost in the labyrinth of bushes.

"This doesn't even look like the same forest… It's like we somehow stumbled into another one."

They had roamed into a very dark part of the forest without realizing it, an area that was nothing like where they'd been earlier. Unlike most other forests, this one seemed to be completely dead, or at least in a state of hibernation.

The trees were scraggly and black, their branches tangled together like roots, forming a literal canopy that almost blocked out the sky, which was getting darker and darker by the second. The bushes were little more than tumbleweeds still attached to the ground, leafless skeletons of their former selves. The ground itself seemed to be dead.

There wasn't a sound in the woodland. Even their footsteps were hushed by the soft dirt below.

"Where exactly are we? It doesn't look like… Anyplace," Harley said, observing the trees with some apprehension.

"I don't have a clue." Joker stopped, looking around for any sign of an exit. "Maybe we've been approaching this the wrong way."

"What do you mean?" Crane questioned.

"Well, when you get lost your supposed to stay put right? What if, since we don't know if anybody would even find us here, we just walk straight in a direction and see where we end up?"

"It could work," Two-Face replied, "But… uh… Which direction?"

"How about that way?" Joker pushed aside a bush, spotting a path leading straight ahead.

"Now why couldn't we have thought of that earlier?" Crane murmured.

They followed the path through nearly impenetrable flora until they stumbled out into the open, laying eyes on a slightly asymmetrical structure a short distance away, looming against the rising full moon.

"Wow, antiquated," Crane said, a bit taken aback by the fact there was a house in the middle of nowhere, let alone how old it was.

The place was perceptibly old; a surviving example of gothic-styled architecture during the Victorian era, and even the thickly forested area behind them seemed to be considerably older than the rest of the landscape. It rested atop a plateau connected to the bank where they stood, by a twisting path that dropped sheerly on both sides into a rocky abyss. The air here was chilly, whereas the forest had been warm, and the atmosphere carried with it an unidentifiable smell… Almost like rotting flowers.

The windows glowed with a warm light, and amid the gargoyles that lined the roof, smoke drifted from a chimney, twisting around itself and forming strange patterns against the darkening sky.

Harley shivered, rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm herself up. "What now?"

"Well," Joker thought, "We could ask for directions. Or we could just rob the place."

"Why would you want to go in there? For one, we're not exactly 'normal citizens'. And secondly, that place looks like it could fall apart at any time – how is it even possible to build an asymmetrical house?" Crane said, observing the house quizzically.

"I have four reasons: a) we're lost, b) we're so far outside of Gotham I wouldn't worry so much about anyone knowing us, c) anyone who would live in this place probably doesn't own a TV, and d) I'm in charge and I say we go," Joker said, to which Crane didn't respond, just glanced around idly, resisting the temptation to say something snarky.

"Should we go in then?" Harley asked, linking arms with Joker.

"Hang on," Two-Face interrupted, digging through his pocket, until he found his coin.

"Oh great, here we go again." Crane ran a hand down his face.

Two-Face flipped the coin. "Yup, we can go in."

Joker, Harley and Two-Face started up the winding path, while Crane waited behind a moment, intently studying the house with a blank expression. "Why did I decide to work with these people?"

Shaking his head, he started following along, voicing his opinion loudly. "I still think this is a bad idea."

"It couldn't hurt to take a look," Harley reassured. Reconsidering that statement, she quickly added, "Okay, maybe it could hurt to take a look. But it seems like it would be so much warmer inside there."

"You're right. Is it just me, or is it getting colder by the second?" Two-Face replied with a shudder.

They wandered up the twisting path, watching the house with a certain sense of hesitation. There wasn't a sound anywhere, except for the crunch and shuffle of rocks under their feet, and the stillness was quickly becoming unsettling.

The trail winded back and forth like a snake, and with each turn they felt a little more dizzy.

"How long have we been walking? It feels like years," Crane whined, peering over the edge of the path and quickly looking back up. The drop was at least thirty feet right into rock.

"Less than a minute, so quit bitching," Joker said, looking out over the top of the forest.

Directly behind the eerie house on the hill, rose sharp mountain peaks, tall and narrow, like knives pointing up at the dark sky overhead, where stars had begun to appear as the sky faded from blue to lavender.

Beyond the dark forest below, rolled green and gold fields that stretched across most of the landscape. They temporarily disappeared behind tall hills that blocked out the horizon for as far as the eye could see behind them. Far in the distance rose the form of Gotham City, which seemed to have an unnatural luminescence in the subdued light of day. Where the hills ended, mountains loomed darkly, clouds swirling overhead.

From here, the whole land took on a ghostly characteristic.

They rounded the last twist in the path and paused just before the stairs. Crane took a deep breath and stopped short, coughing heavily. This close to the house, the air smelled strongly of copper and iron… to a nauseating extent.

They looked at each other and ascended the steps, simply pushing the doors open and walking in.

"Pretty swanky," Joker commented.

A large staircase took up most of the room they had just entered, banisters carefully carved to resemble serpent-like creatures with huge fangs and a single red carpet running its length. The whole room had a very antique feel to it, and every surface within it was detectably dusty.

At the top of the stairwell hung a large painting, done all in different tones of red, depicting an imposing man with an intensely creepy smile. It had probably been there for a century at least, judging from the style it was painted in… And the incredible amount of dust on it.

Crane shifted uncomfortably. "It's really quiet in here."

With that, the doors swung shut behind them with a long, low creak, completely on their own. The group just stared, their reactions a mixture of confusion and uncertainty.

"Ooooookay," Joker said, cocking his head in a slightly impressed manner. "That's unusual. Awesome, but unusual."

"I'm finding it much more disturbing than 'awesome'," Crane remarked, blinking several times in a vain attempt to understand what just happened.

"They're probably just weighted or something," Two-Face rationalized, and Crane scoffed.

"Sure, like they'd wait so long to close after we opened them."

"Do you always have to be so critical about everything?"

"Seriously, do not start again," Harley warned them.

"Wonder where the owner is," Joker said, trying to lighten the mood, "It's not polite to keep guests waiting."

As if he'd been waiting in the wings for exactly such a question, it wasn't more than a few seconds before a form appeared at the top of the stairs, examining them carefully.

"Ahh. I haven't had guests in a long time," he said pleasantly, crossing his hands in front of his chest.

They collectively looked up at the man, who appeared to be in his early-to-mid 20's; an average height, slender fellow with medium-length russet hair, wearing tattered jeans, work boots and a black tee layered with a red plaid shirt. As welcoming as his voice sounded, his facial expression was twisted into a distrustful glower as he descended the stairs, looking them over warily

"Ah, here comes the host now," Joker announced to his companions who just nodded, keeping their eyes on the strange man.

"Welcome to the Hillside Manor. Please, come in and make yourselves at home." The man climbed down the stairs slowly, pausing after each step as if he didn't want to approach them too quickly. He barely blinked, scrutinizing them meticulously in a surreal manner, almost like he felt something funny was going on. "What brings you here?"

"We got lost in the woods," Harley piped up, "And we were trying to find our way back out."

"The way out? You must have gotten very lost to find yourselves this far away." He stopped a couple of feet from them, and motioned to everything around him, taking on an amiable tone. "You are welcome to stay as long as you wish. We have plenty of room."

He never smiled once, and it almost seemed his expression was permanently frozen in the frown he wore.

"Thank you," Joker replied cordially, giving him an appreciative semi-bow.

"Would you like anything to drink?" The man looked like he was about to kill someone.

The group exchanged looks. "Certainly," Joker replied.

"We could use the rest. My feet are killing me," Two-Face added.

"Come," the man answered, and with a sweeping motion of his hand, led them towards the room to the right. "The dining room."

The dining room, as he called it, didn't seem to have been touched in years. On either side of the room were open doorways that didn't appear to lead anywhere, except into eternal darkness. As they passed through, the boards groaned loudly as the floor shifted unsteadily, making them tread more lightly out of caution.

They were seated at a long dusty table, looking around at the paintings that lined the walls. A sinister-looking guy in colonial attire, more guys with super-eerie smiles, what looked like a really ugly woman, although it could have just been a very feminine man…

"I have never seen the likes of you before in these parts," he said, gazing at them solemnly as he twiddled his fingers. "Pray tell, where do you come from?"

Joker gave Crane the 'I told ya so' look. "We're from Gotham City. We came out here on a trip of sorts."

"Travelers," he said contemplatively, "It's been a while since I was in Gotham. Not since I brought my companions here."

"So you have roommates?" Two-Face asked, not being able to picture this guy having any sort of social life.

"Yes. Three of my old friends, and my other half." He seemed to be looking around for any sign of movement from the dark doorways, slowly scanning the whole of the room. "I brought them out here to get away from everything in the city. John, who needed to leave behind his adverse past, Seamus, who wanted to study the occult in peace, Tobias, who wanted a change of pace, and my darling Lynn, who I drove to the edge of insanity when I couldn't fully devote myself to her, and by the time I was ready to be with her, she was so far gone that I practically had to drag her here."

"Hm, the perfect couple," Joker murmured to Harley, who snickered.

"I think that's sweet that he went back for her after that," she responded, then raising her voice loud enough that the man could hear her, "It's unfortunate that she suffered so much."

"Yes," he said sadly, "She's still not the same." He paused for a moment, lost in thought, and then changed the subject. "I will get something for you to eat and drink. Just wait here."

As he turned to exit the room, he stopped, briefly looking back over his shoulder. "If anyone comes down, tell them that Gabriel invited you in."

When he'd left, Crane was the first to speak. "Gabriel, huh? Who names their kid after the Archangel of Judgement?"

"You're one to talk, Icabod," Two-Face teased, and Crane slammed his fist on the table.

"If you ever make another joke in reference to me about _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_, you're going to be sorry!"

"Give it a rest," Harley moaned, wishing these morons would get along for more than ten seconds. "Besides, Harvey, he could just as easily make fun of you for having the same name as that giant invisible rabbit from that movie."

"I don't know that I'd really find that offensive," Two-Face said thoughtfully.

The odd man, Gabriel, re-entered the room, carrying a large tray. He walked around the table, serving them each a plate of something that was hard to identify. It smelled good, but they didn't know exactly what it was… aside from a pile of some kind of meat.

"I hope you enjoy dinner. It's my own special recipe."

They hesitated, eventually starting to pick at whatever it was. Gabriel took the liberty of pouring them each a glass of wine during the silence, before seating himself at the head of the table, watching them idly. Finally the stillness became too much to bear.

Crane nervously glanced up at the ceiling, thinking he'd seen something flutter just overhead. "How – how old is this place?"

Gabriel sighed, getting up and moving to the nearest wall, staring deeply at a smaller copy of the painting above the main stairwell. "It has been here at least three hundred years, since the time of my ancestor. This house has always been in my family. I inherited it from my late uncle."

"You must have a big family," Harley said, and their host turned to face them.

"Indeed. The three patriarchs," he said, motioning to the paintings behind him, "Excluding myself."

He held a hand up to the copy of the painting above the stairs. "The first of my forefathers."

"Er… What was his occupation?" Crane asked, taking into consideration how weird the painting was, and Gabriel just stared at him.

"A warlord." When he was satisfied that he wouldn't be interrupted further, he continued. "The founder of our family. He lived three hundred years ago, in a time when war was a way of life. He came here and built this house to find repose."

"Is this house the same as it was when it was built?" Joker asked casually, creating conversation for lack of any idea what they were going to do next.

"No. It ha been remodeled once or twice… and some things were added… more recently." He paced along the wall slowly, watching them out of the corner of his eye, seemingly anticipating that they weren't going to eat much more. "Would you like to look around?"

They nodded, getting to their feet almost in unison and following him out the furthest door, into an expansive library.

"Come. I'll show you my favorite room in the house."

He led them through a door, into a room of ledges and metal pipes that were high over a pit in the floor… where there was what appeared to be a giant grinder.

The blood stained floor sloped towards the center of the room, where what looked like the parts to an industrial blender were positioned. The four stood beside Gabriel, looking at the grinder with some level of collective abhorrence, each viewing it differently than the last. They'd seen a lot of freakish things, but this one was way up there on the list.

"This is my grinder. Makes it easier to… grind up a good deal of meat," Gabriel said indifferently, explaining himself further after seeing their facial expressions. "My friends and I make a living collecting roadkill and grinding up the different parts for different mulches and things. Blood meal, bone meal, that sort of thing."

They exchanged uneasy glances, not sure whether or not that was a real profession.

"Did you build it?" Two-Face asked, wondering how someone could find so much roadkill out here.

"Regrettably, no. I had hired help. Right after it's creation, though… he met an… unfortunate end," he replied, choosing his words carefully. "All the police ever found was a big bloodstain."

"Did he fall in?" Crane inquired, finding the idea slightly amusing.

"No, he was hit by a car."

Joker snorted, apparently finding it humorous. "You had me scared there for a second."

Gabriel just looked at him apathetically. "There is more to see."

Leading them back through the library, he paused to point at the bookcases, which were at least thirteen feet tall each. "Three hundred years of literature. Books by early settlers, hunting in the jungles of India, rare beasts that are now extinct… Many first editions."

"Do you have a copy of _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_?" Two-Face asked, starting to snicker, and Harley had to restrain Crane to keep him from grabbing a book and beating him to death with it.

Gabriel was not amused. "Possibly," he said, before leading them on, passing back through the dining room. "Up above us, you can see the walkways that lead between the attic and the upper rooms. My companions are upstairs right now."

He led them back through more strange parts of the house, describing the long history of the family as they moved through each room, heading towards the back. As they entered a corridor lined with tall statues of sinister looking creatures, Gabriel turned to them, twiddling his fingers. "The garden."

They stepped outside into an assembly of tall hedges that formed a circular labyrinth, overgrown with strange vines. It was eerily green compared to the forest that surrounded the plateau, and each hedge was lined with worn headstones bearing unreadable names. They traced the circular path of the maze with their eyes until their gazes met with a large stone tomb in the center that clearly read in an old style of lettering, "Momento Mori".

"Hm, the 'remember death' inscription is a nice touch," Joker said, observing the tomb with an air of approval.

"Garden? Looks more like a cemetery to me," Crane said and Gabriel shrugged.

"To each his own." He moved forward slightly, glancing over it lovingly. "My whole family is here, cast in eternal sleep. Not to rise again… unless…"

"Hey, Crane, check it out – I just found your long-lost twin!" Two-Face laughed, pointing to an offshoot of the maze behind them.

In the small, out-of-the-way corner of the maze, lay a small vegetable patch where a badly made scarecrow appeared to be neglected. It was an incredibly ugly, rather disturbing thing, made from shoddily stitched-together burlap sacks, and straw that was falling out everywhere.

"That tears it!" Crane nearly screamed, running after Two-Face with the intention of beating his skull in.

As the two men ran around, making enough racket to wake the dead, Harley shook her head exasperatedly. "Excuse our acquaintances here, they have a hard time not acting like morons," she said, raising her voice with each word to make sure the two would hear her.

Of course, they were too busy to notice – Two-Face had somehow climbed onto one of the tall hedgerows, and was now pulling loose straw out of the dilapidated scarecrow to throw spitefully at Crane, who was swinging a discarded shovel at him in an attempt to knock him off.

Gabriel glanced at them, apparently not caring all that much. "I've tolerated worse."

There was suddenly a sound from far behind them, like the sound of footfalls on a wooden floor, echoing through the huge house. It was the sound of someone knocking on the front door loudly. No one moved, except Crane and Two-Face who were too busy battling it out still to have heard it.

Gabriel tapped his fingers together, not looking at either Joker or Harley as he turned to face the way they'd come. After a few moments, he spoke in a low voice, staring straight ahead intently. "Hm… Let me go see who has come to join us."

The two exchanged curious glances, as Gabriel looked to them, his tone no longer quite as hospitable as the one he had donned earlier. "I'd suggest you plan on staying here tonight, as the path will be impossible to find now that it's dark. I will show you to the available rooms when I come back."

The knocking came again, and Gabriel could ignore it no longer. "Coming," he said unenthusiastically to himself, walking back into the house.

"Huh, what are the odds they'd get so many visitors in one day?" Harley asked, looking in the direction he'd gone. "They do live in the middle of nowhere."

"Dunno," Joker replied, "If they're all as weird as this guy, I really wouldn't be surprised. Weird people, weird goings-on."

The two turned their attention back to the others, who were in the process of madly racing back and forth through the maze, Crane threatening to knock Two-Face's head clean off with the shovel. They watched them pass by a couple times until the novelty factor had worn off, and Joker grabbed Crane by the arm as they went to run by again.

"Get back here and fight like a man, you freak!" Crane shouted at Two-Face, who just stood a couple yards away, taunting him.

"You can't get me now, wuss!"

"I say we let them duke it out – at least when it's over, we won't have to worry about them acting like this for a while," Joker said, and Harley shrugged.

"As much as I'd like that, I think we should focus on the current situation, Puddin'."

"Yeah, that makes sense," he agreed, yanking Crane close to get his attention. "You, shut the fuck up. Harvey, stop being petty and childish. You can kill each other in a few minutes once we get situated here."

The two men reluctantly stopped fighting, and Joker glanced around at the garden. "Now where did that strange fella go?"

"Maybe we should look for him. I'm tired as hell," Two-Face said, stretching tiredly from his pursuit moments earlier.

"We couldn't just wait here until he comes back?" Crane griped, immediately changing his tone when he spotted something black flapping around overhead. "Is that a – ohGodohGodohGod!"

He didn't waste any time going back inside. The others followed him in, Two-Face laughing hysterically about him being afraid of a bat, while Harley and Joker questioned how much longer they'd put up with these idiots.

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_Yeah, the reason they got lost in the woods was kinda lame, just goes to show how bad I am at thinking up stuff like that. Also, for the record, they could probably make some kind of poison gas out of the plants I described – they're all from the Nightshade family, so they're toxic enough xD_

_I don't know exactly what made me want to have Dr. Crane and Harvey constantly picking on each other, it just gave me a laugh. In my other Batman story, he has the same kind of antipathy going with the Joker xDD_

_The five antagonists are all OCs of mine, who I use in different fics – if you've ever read my Superjail fic or are familiar with my art, you might know them. Gabriel and Lynn are actually OCs I created specifically for my other Batman fic, and now they've become two of my main characters, John I created ten years ago as a character for this series I wrote about paranormal investigators where he murdered people on the side as a hobby lol, and Tobias and Seamus were both created for my SJ fic, just to become main characters of mine. It's surreal seeing them all in the roles of psychotic murderers – well, except John, 'cause he's a murderer to begin with xD, but with the others, it's just weird. Lynn and Gabriel's backstory in this is actually an exaggerated version of their backstory from DSS, just without certain events involved – and waaay creepy. I had some idea when I started this, of them having this "Millennial Death Cult" thing going on, but I dunno – it would fit well with the "Black Hole Sun" theme tho._

_LOL "Sleepy Hollow" jokes – I'm so lame xD._

_Well, this story was originally only supposed to be two chapters – but it looks like it's going to be longer than that now. So, enjoy the ride, and if you're reading, feel free to leave me a review and let me know what ya think!_


	2. Bodies in the Barn

_Well, here's chapter two – originally part of chapter one, but it was so long, I decided to split it in half. Either way, more to read!_

_This chapter introduces Gabriel's friends – and something about the way I wrote each of the scenes reminds me of Mr. Rogers on crack, for some reason xD. Enjoy!_

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Chapter Two: Bodies in the Barn

They made their way back through the house to the foyer, where Gabriel had been heading. But there was no sign of him anywhere, or any indication that anyone had been there recently.

"That's odd," Harley stated, glancing all around the room curiously. "Where could he have gotten off to?"

"Maybe he's checking on his mental girlfriend," Joker replied.

"I really don't feel like waiting for him to drag his emo ass back out here. I think I'm gonna go track him down," Two-Face said decisively.

"We'd be able to find him a lot faster if we split up – but at the same time, this place gives me the creeps, so maybe we should stick together," Harley suggested.

Crane went to say something, but Joker beat him to it, giving him a condescending smile. "No, no; don't ruin the mood with your protesting, grouchy."

Crane just glared at him begrudgingly in response.

"Let's check upstairs – it seems likely that's where he'd be."

The group climbed the stairs, the groaning creak of each step the only sounds in the whole house.

The upper level was split into two sides; the left, which seemed to lead to the attic, and the right, which appeared to be a system of hallways. They chose the path to the right, entering the first corridor, noting the interesting décor. The halls were carpeted with a color similar to dry blood, had similar tinted paint on the walls, and the trim and ceiling were both a pallid color. There was only one door in this hall, and the group stopped, traded looks.

"I'll take the honor of opening the first door," Joker said proudly, opening it without hesitation, like he owned the place.

The group peered into a rather dim room, painted a deep shade of midnight blue, lit only by the fireplace. In front of the fire, relaxing in an old chair, was a black haired man in normal street clothes, engrossed in playing around with a hammer. He didn't bother to look over at them.

"Something I can help you with?" he asked, studying the hammer intently, as though it were his most prized possession.

"Yeah," Joker replied simply, "Have you seen good ol' Gabriel anywhere around here?"

"Nope," he answered, finally looking up from the hammer. "Try asking Seamus, down the hall. He always seems to know about everything. Tell him John sent ya."

"Thanks a bunch, buddy boy," he said, turning to close the door behind him, and John watched them fixedly right up until the door was shut.

"That guy was just a tad creepy to me – and look at the people I'm normally around," Crane said, and Harley agreed.

"There's something weird going on here. I just can't tell what yet."

"Well, only one way to find out; onward, to talk to more possibly psychotic people!" Joker said enthusiastically, leading them further down the corridor.

Around the first bend in the hallway, there was another door, which they assumed was Seamus' room.

"I'll take this one," Harley volunteered, knocking on the door first.

An answer of "come in" emanated from within, and she opened the door to what was possibly one of the strangest rooms to ever be used as living quarters – willingly. The room was completely done in cobblestone, having a look to it that was very dungeon-like, also featuring a fireplace, in which a cauldron was presently boiling away.

The inhabitant, a man with thinning salt-and-pepper hair, dressed in all black, was holding a large wooden bowl to his mouth, drinking something that was opaque and bright red…

"John sent us down," Harley explained, "We're trying to find Gabriel."

"I thought you might say that," Seamus said once he'd finished drinking, wiping some of the red substance off his face with his sleeve. "I haven't seen him recently, but he usually checks in on Lynn at this time of night. Try there."

"Thank you," she said sweetly, and he nodded.

"No problem."

Once the door was closed, Harley spoke freely. "What was he drinking? It looked almost like… blood."

"There are different cultures that do that; the blood the species comes from depends on the culture," Crane enlightened them.

"At any rate, that was kind of weird."

They continued along the corridor, around the final bend, to a doorway where there was no door at all, but a beaded curtain. Unlike normal beaded curtains, this one was made up of several layers of hand-carved turquoise beads and eagle feathers, completely blocking any view into or out of the room.

"So, which one of you wants to take this one?" Joker questioned, and the two remaining members of the group stared at each other.

"I really don't feel like being bothered," Crane objected, and Two-Face knew exactly what to do.

He searched his pocket until he found his coin – at the sight of which, Crane muttered something under his breath, shaking his head – and flipped it.

"Well, I'm not going in," Two-Face said almost cheerfully at the result, and Crane sighed deeply.

"Fine, I'll do it then."

He stuck his arms through the beaded curtain, separating it enough for him to step through, Harley and Joker holding it open afterwards. The space inside was very unusual; the entire room was the same shade of bright red, even the walls, which were upholstered with some kind of crimson padding, and everywhere hung dream catchers, animal skulls and Navajo-style blankets.

In the center of the room was a fire pit, behind which, on a bear skin rug, sat a girl with her hair styled in a partial fauxhawk, wearing jewelry featuring skulls as a theme, and things with spikes. Around her neck was a red collar, with two long chains attached to either side that were connected at the ends to hooks on the opposing walls to her left and right. All in all, something about the scene was reminiscent of the Iron Maiden _Piece of Mind _album cover.

"Uh, hello," Crane said, not completely sure she was even paying attention, considering she was sitting half lotus with her eyes closed and didn't even react when he entered. "We're looking for Gabriel. Have you seen him?"

Her only response was to inhale deeply all of a sudden, like she'd been holding her breath under water. She kept her eyes closed, completely in her own world.

"Hello, yes? Dr. Crane would like a word with you, if you could maybe wake up already," he said, getting annoyed that she wasn't answering. When she continued to be unresponsive, he decided to try something else – being intimidating, in the third person. "The Scarecrow is getting rather aggravated now, and when he gets upset, things become very, very unpleasant. Are you going to talk or not?"

She opened one eye, looking at him in a completely unimpressed manner, her tone cold. "Why are you bothering me?"

"Because I want to know if you've seen Gabriel, or know where he is," he said bluntly, moving closer to her in what he deemed an threatening way.

"When don't I see him? He never leaves me alone… Granted, I love the attention, but he keeps me in this room all the time. I like to be independent, so it's a bit irritating."

Crane didn't know exactly how to respond to that. He didn't know what kind of relationship the two had going after Gabriel had "driven her to the brink of insanity", and frankly he just didn't want to know, in view of the setup of this room, which appeared to be more of a cell. He thought for a moment, and chose to play therapist with her.

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"Yes. He thinks I'm nuts," she said impassively.

"You probably are," he said under his breath, and her open eye narrowed.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing."

They stared at each other in silence, Crane noticing that the girl's pink contact lens was gradually beginning to look more… yellow.

She had remained motionless the whole time he'd been there, so naturally he was slightly startled when she suddenly raised a hand, placing it on the chain to her left.

"You do not want to upset me," she said nastily, suddenly yanking on the chain so that the end released from the hook and it fell to the floor with a jingling and a thud.

He wasn't particularly unsettled by this gesture. In fact, he wanted to know where she was going with this. "Oh?"

"I'd suggest you leave now."

When he didn't make a move to leave right away, Lynn took a swing at him with the loose chain, just narrowly missing cracking him right in the head. That's when he felt it was a good time to leave.

Exiting the room, he sighed irately. "Well, that got us nowhere. That woman is a psycho. In fact, I think this whole group is messed up – what a sad bunch of people."

"What now?" Harley questioned, and Joker was right on it.

"Simple. We go back to where we started. Maybe he's there again."

As they headed back to the foyer, Two-Face made an insightful observation. "Do you suppose these people get a lot of visitors? Because none of them seemed remotely surprised that a group of strangers was wandering around their place asking for someone. They acted like it's a normal occurrence, almost like they expected us."

"You're being paranoid," Crane said flatly, and he glared at him.

"Oh really, Doctor? And why do you think that is?"

Before their argument could go any further, Harley cut them off. "Looks like someone bolted the front doors shut. Guess he's not out on the path anywhere. We haven't checked the lower levels yet, though; maybe he's down there somewhere."

The group continued on downstairs, passing back through the rooms they'd been in earlier, not finding anything different than it was before.

"I don't remember going that way," Two-Face said, indicating a darkened corridor in the far corner of the dining room.

"Hm, feels like there's a draft. Maybe it leads outside?" Joker said, peering down the shadowy hall. "No reason not to at least look."

"Except for the fact that it could be a total death trap," Crane murmured.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" Joker asked, elbowing him. "In fact, why don't you go first?" He gave the brooding man a shove, pushing him into the hall sharply and then blocking the doorway so he couldn't retreat from the enveloping darkness.

With a grunt, Crane led the way through the dim corridor cautiously. As they followed the dark path, they became more aware of the draft, carrying the scent of outside air into the room. Eventually, they stumbled out of the dark, finding themselves in a garden separate from the other; this one being home to a medium-sized barn-like structure that had not been visible from the front of the house.

It was night now, the full moon glowing overhead, while distant stars twinkled in the dark sky. In the light of the moon, they could see the hedges had been replaced by ivy-covered walls in this garden, and in the plots around the barn grew a mixture of pumpkins and moonvines, blooming in the night air.

"Huh… Just a little creepy," Crane said, more to himself to anyone else.

"Don't look now, but I see another of your brethren, Crane," Two-Face laughed, pointing out yet another hideous and horribly made scarecrow, this time watching over the pumpkins.

Crane was just about to knock him out cold, when Joker interjected.

"I hate to break up this interesting reunion," he said sarcastically, "But the barn door is open, so why don't we look around?"

"In a barn? I think I'll take a rain check…" Crane said, not being fond of the idea of being in any structure where things that liked to swoop around in the dark could be living.

"Why? There shouldn't be any bats in there," Two-Face said, holding back a laugh.

He seriously wanted to shoot him right now. "… Alright, okay. Let's get this over with…"

Upon getting near the barn, they were greeted by a strong iron smell, and something vaguely chemical. It was nauseating to say the least, but they ventured in anyway.

The barn was quiet, except for a sweeping-like sound created by strange sacks stained with red blotches that hung from the rafters overhead, swinging back and forth like pendulums. There wasn't anything all that eye-catching, except for, of course, the mysterious sacks. But aside from them, nothing seemed spectacular. The inside of the barn itself wasn't so bad, kept fairly clean and in good order, give or take piles of loose hay here and there. They all looked around.

"Doesn't seem so bad…" Harley said, unsure of what the place was actually used for. For all she knew, it could be something terrible and they just didn't know yet. "Although, something doesn't seem right… I'm not sure I like it."

The barn was very still, until a strange sight meandered around the corner, seating itself idly and staring at them – an albino Doberman.

"Uh… Hi?" Two-Face said, waving his hand slightly. "Is there anything aside from you in here?"

"Why are you talking to a dog?" Crane asked incredulously.

The dog didn't even make a move, just staring blankly until Joker spoke up. "What is this even here for? I don't see anything they'd need a barn for, really."

"This place is starting to give me the jitters, frankly…" Crane said when the dog suddenly barked.

And then the door bolted itself behind them.

"Now it's seriously creeping me out!" he said, his voice getting quite a bit whinier and higher pitched.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, Crane. It probably does that all the time," Two-Face suggested, and he raised an eyebrow.

"What dimension did you grow up in? Barn doors don't lock automatically."

"And what rule says they can't?"

"None, I suppose, but I sure as hell never heard of a self-locking barn door."

"Neither have I," Joker interjected.

"Well, when did you become a farmer?"

"Well, when did you start coming up with moronic explanations for everything?"

"My explanations are _not_ moronic!"

"Then did you ever sniff markers or get dropped on your head as a kid?"

"Guys…" Harley said.

"I don't know what you're implying, but I don't like where it's going!"

"I'm implying that you're a total idiot!"

"And what makes you such an authority on idiocy, Dr. Douchebag?"

"GUYS…" Harley repeated with growing urgency.

"What?" they asked in unison, turning to see that the dog had resumed staring blankly, and that they were no longer alone.

Only a couple feet away from them was a pitchfork-wielding man with brown hair and icy blue eyes, dressed in full punk regalia, right down to his worn jeans and modern interpretation of a straitjacket, tapping his fingers impatiently, a somewhat disgruntled look on his face.

"Okay, maybe Crane and Harleen were right," Two-Face said, observing the man inquisitively.

"See! I told you there was something wrong!" Harley said, backing away about three feet.

"He's not that scary," Crane said matter-of-factly, and the man irately piped up in a very harsh, gruff voice.

"What the FUCKING HELL are you doing in my barn?"

Crane answered his question by screaming like a girl and joining Harley three feet away. "What the hell is _your_ problem?"

"And you must be Tobias," Joker said snidely, giving the bad-tempered man a crooked smile.

"Not from around here, are ya?" he asked brusquely, looking over the four companions disdainfully.

"No, we're from the land of the sane," Joker scoffed.

"I don't remember ever taking kindly to folks like you," Tobias said, gripping the pitchfork tightly, and the whole scene began to remind them of a B-grade horror movie.

"God, all we did was walk into your freakin' barn! Go the hell away and leave us alone!" Crane replied defensively.

"You're infamously afraid of nothing, but bats and Batman for all this time, and now suddenly this guy scares you?" Two-Face sniggered at him.

"Oh, fuck you! Why don't you go back to the freak show, Scarface!" Crane retorted, temporarily forgetting about Tobias.

"I think you're forgetting something – what the fuck are you doing in my barn?" Tobias snapped, more irritable than ever.

"Just go away! We don't need anything, and we don't want anything!" Crane said, trying to explain away this problem with little success in wording his statement.

"It's a guy with a pitchfork, not a door-to-door salesman," Two-Face said sarcastically, and the other man couldn't help, but rejoin.

"Screw you! I don't see you trying to get us out of this mess!"

"Well, I doubt screaming random crap at him is going to help!" Two-Face replied.

"Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you!"

The already annoyed Tobias, irritably fiddled with his pitchfork, looking from one to the other, and finally proclaimed, "I've had enough!" He raised the pitchfork sharply without thinking about it and in the process snagged the prongs on one of the hanging sacks, tearing it right open. The group was nearly speechless as the contents of the bag spilled out on the floor… assorted bloody human limbs and slabs of meat.

"Aww, now look what you made me do," he groaned.

"We have now confirmed there is something fucked up going on here," Harley said, with a disturbed expression.

"Well, well, well, looks like we have a predicament on our hands," Joker announced aloud, somehow knowing that this whole situation was about to go from 'unplanned trip' mode, to 'vacation from hell'.

Without warning, Tobias decided to yank his pitchfork free from the bag above, and come at Joker with it, with the intention of impaling him. The two faced off against each other, Joker managing to dodge any attempts at stabbing him, while Harley was creeping up behind the man, and the other two tried to get their acts together.

"I hate farms," Crane moaned.

It was at this point that Harley picked up a bloody femur that had been in the bag, and cracked Tobias upside the head with it, causing him to nearly hit the floor, but he caught himself, shaking his head to regain his bearings, and then focusing his attention on her. This led to the first ever bone-on-pitchfork fencing match.

Joker was quickly formulating a plan. "Harl and Harvey, distract him! Crane, shut up! I'll figure out the rest!"

Crane took 'shut up' to mean 'stand around like a moron', and just stood there, watching the unfolding events in a daze. Just as Tobias managed to disarm Harley, Two-Face started jumping around like he was trying to catch the attention of someone with severe ADD. "Hey, you gutterpunk bastard! Over here!"

Joker had located the lever system that raised and lowered the bags of "human by-product", and was waiting for just the right moment to use it.

Tobias was just about to take a jab at Two-Face, when Joker yelled to him. "Harvey, move!"

He jumped back, and one of the bags dropped down from the rafters between him and Tobias, which ended up being the victim of his misplaced stab, spilling human eyeballs all over the floor in a spectacularly disgusting downpour, sending them rolling all over the barn.

Off on the sidelines, the albino Doberman sniffed one of the eyeballs, then picked it up and started chewing on it, wagging it's tail.

"Eww! Eww! That is soooo incredibly wrong!" Two-Face was spazzing out girlishly, waving his hands around frantically in utter disgust. Joker found this whole thing mildly amusing, kicking eyeballs away from himself towards Tobias, who was futilely trying to make a clear path just for more to roll into it, while Harley stomped them into eye juice without a second thought.

Tobias, temporarily free of the eyeball menace, used his pitchfork to balance on the slippery floors, turning his sights on the distracted Two-Face, still preoccupied with trying to find an eyeball-free spot to stand in.

"Crane, do something already, you lazy-ass bitch!" Joker yelled at him, and he looked at the floor around him.

"Harvey, look out!" Crane called, and Two-Face turned just in time to get nailed in the face with an eyeball, that splattered all over him.

"CRANE!"

"Sorry!" Crane shouted back, laughing to himself about how perfect that was, picking up another eyeball and chucking it. This time, it hit Tobias, and he spun around, glaring at the assailant.

"Ya better start running, asshole!" he warned, and Crane just smiled derisively.

"I'm not afraid of you," he sang tauntingly, and Tobias came at him faster than a starving cheetah after an Olympic runner.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AHH! AHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Crane screamed like a total wuss, leading Tobias all over the barn until he was in just the right position...

Joker pulled the lever, dropping a bag full of body parts right on Tobias, who was knocked out cold.

The threat gone, Joker pat the albino Doberman on the head casually and pulled the final lever, tripping the lock on the doors, and the group left the barn in a hurry, heading back into the house. They knew there was only one way out of this place, and that was through the front door – all other avenues of escape had either been completely cut off, or were totally impossible to use.

They gathered in front of the foyer stairwell, looking at each other somberly.

"Well, we know they're up to something now," Two-Face said.

"We need to get the hell out of here. I think it's pretty obvious they probably intend to make us their next victims," Harley added, brushing a piece of human off her shoulder.

"How do we get out, though?" Crane asked.

"We'll just have to find the keys to the locks," Joker said simply, like it was a piece of cake.

"That sounds easy in theory, but how are we going to do it? They have a huge advantage over us, since this is their place and they know all the secret hiding places," Harley mused. "Plus we don't have any weapons on us."

"Too bad you didn't bring your fear gas, Crane, that could have come in handy," Two-Face said idly, and he snorted.

"Well, it's not like I could have known this would happen. Why else would I have brought it? What would I have used it on? Rogue, machete-wielding field mice?"

"_Anyway_," Harley continued, "What are we going to do?"

Joker chuckled lightly, "We'll just have to do what we do best."

"I think I know what you're thinking," Harley said excitedly. "We'll just have to use our wits and ingenuity!" That idea always thrilled her.

They collectively nodded in agreement, and Crane, for once, knew just the right thing to say. "In the immortal words of Richard Adams, 'all the world will be your enemy, Prince-with-a-Thousand-Enemies. And whenever they catch you they will kill you, but first they must catch you. Digger, listener, runner; Prince with a swift warning. Be cunning; full of tricks. And your people will never be destroyed'."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Lol I just had to re-visit that thing with the badly made scarecrow, didn't I?_

_And eww, bags of body parts – raining eyeballs, MEGA EWW lol. Actually, I'd have less of a problem with eyeballs – in Anatomy class, I was the only one who actually took the time to look at the eyeball my teacher passed around instead of just passing it to the next person xD. I love how, despite the fact they're about to get killed, Two-Face and Scarecrow still drop everything to argue – and I love Scarecrow as a total wuss xDD._

_Ah, and just for the record – so it doesn't seem totally random – the albino Doberman is Gabriel's pet in DSS lol. _

_And yes – Crane finally quotes something! Granted, it wasn't a nursery rhyme-type thing (nursery rhymes have always creeped me the hell out, which might be another reason Scarecrow creeped me out when I was a kid xD), but it was a classic, and it summed it up pretty well lol. It's about rabbits, but it works._

_Well, that's the end of chapter two – hope ya liked it. If you're reading, leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


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